Earlier today I went for a walk and felt very depressed. I couldn’t help but feel down about my life and the situation I’m in, I just feel sorry for myself. About four weeks ago I left my job in order to try and make a career out of what I love which is creating, but namely making films. The moving image has totally revolutionized the world, and yet at the same time become a form of mind control whether it is marketing or propaganda.
I know I’m not the most well off person, and I can honestly say I really do feel happy to be able even to write this blog and post it for you to read. It’s a kind of self-analysis of my life at the present moment which I seem to do every now and again but never when I’m happy. Like most songwriters tend to write when they are sad, either having a relationship break up or a song about losing control on a night out partying. All writers tend to express a part of them at the present time, even if your remembering a past event you write in the present moment’s emotional state.
Over the past few weeks I have to say I’ve found it difficult to pluck up the courage, enthusiasm and get out of my lazy routine in order to work out next step in life. Since I’ve left school I’ve not really done anything to show for my efforts, life has been rather stagnant. A part of me is too afraid to move forward, I’m afraid of disappointment along the way and yet I’m disappointed at the moment that I’m not moving forward with my life. I guess I’m doing too much thinking and not enough action, yet I don’t have enough motivation to act. Or when I get some motivation of an idea it tends to burn out because some problem gets in the way and I can’t seem to move on.
It’s like I’m waiting to find the answers at the back of the book, or there to be a walk-through of my life, I guess I’m looking for the easy route out or more to the point, in.
I spend most of my time now in my house and I tend to find as many distractions as I can to shire away from my problems, to look away from myself in the mirror. The four walls have encroached upon me and without a daily routine I find it difficult to have control over my life. I don’t have control, I let my mind wonder without homing in on what really matters to me, maybe because I don’t know the answer or I don’t want to face the answer. I’m not saying that letting go is a bad thing, it’s a necessary part of life, with break up’s, loss of love one’s etc. We all need that time to let ourselves go but in order to turn back around and get back on track to what we really love doing, Whether it is spending time with our children, or building your business we get to a point where the repetitiveness of life dwindles our energy into oblivion. That is why people go for a run, go on holiday, let themselves go at the weekends or simply meditate every night before they go to bed. Even going to sleep is a form of revitalization, and is necessary for life to evolve from one state to another. But we can’t keep going on holidays all our life otherwise we will crash into problems along the way, we won’t find satisfaction in repeating the same thing over and over again.
I realize that for a long time I’ve been repeating my actions, I tend to look at facebook about 20 times a day waiting for some inspiration to come. I look at job sites for some inspiration to come and get nothing out there appeals to me, nothing revitalizes my energy. Quite rapidly my positive energy has been evaporating, I’ve been feeling like a hermit that has to be in solitary confinement in order to realize my own wrong doings. I feel as though it’s punishment for something I’m not aware of. I don’t blame myself though, and as I go for this walk I start to think I’m depressed and that my life is going spiraling out of control into the deep depths of my own unconscious despair. I feel unloved by people around me, I have no girlfriend or anyone to turn to for that matter. I’m not saying that for you to feel sorry for me but because it’s what I’m facing up to.
I take my book on this walk and as I start reading I come to realize that the energy I’m missing in my life isn’t a new career, a partner and to feel wanted by others, it isn’t a holiday I need, but simply to love myself.
At the moment I’ve been avoiding myself trying to find distractions, trying to find excuses and yet all this depressed state I’m in is really just me not being able to be content in myself. Self-Love is the only true love there is; if there is such a thing called life after death like science is slowly starting to understand then when we pass on to what ever conscious experience we have and there is a piece of our experience here that moves on with us. Then we can’t take with us the love of our partners, only the memories of them and those memories will have that love ingrained in the experiences, but if we love ourselves that love will continue. Really our existence is simply ourselves and the external world, and our journey physically is to experience the two together at once while evolving. I don’t blame myself for being lazy as now I think I understand that it is a necessary part of my journey. I needed to experience and understand myself that here physically I need to love myself, and stop rejecting the Truth right in front of my eyes.
If I’m seeking Truth, what is really out there and who I am, then hiding from it isn’t helping. It ultimately leads to an inequality and imbalance in my psyche, depressing the development of my ego. If I don’t love myself then how am I meant to find someone to love, for then I won’t know what love means. I also think that it maybe one problem with society today, that there are so many distractions people aren’t facing themselves in the mirror and loving themselves. It’s one of the reasons why marriages are failing because it’s so easy now to not face the problems in relationships and now financially we can be supported by the state if all else fails.
As I walk home I begin to realize that I need to start creating more, it’s been on my mind for a while however an idea popped into my mind that I’ll be getting to work on over the next few days. That idea was a transformation from a depressed state into realizing I need to love myself and then into making a pro-active change from my mental state into physical reality. To manifest and nurture my the love for myself creatively instead on dwindling on my negative energies in my bedroom. That walk has really revitalized my energy today, so I urge you to go for a walk now. Revitalize your own energy and find the love for yourself, then once you have that you can use that energy to love others around you.